It is entirely unclear what cloud I am riding these days. I dont know if it is the fact that sharing this time with you each day gives me a discipline in my writing (which always brings me great joy) or if this process of looking within and sharing it here is helping me to realize how blessed I have been in my life.
Perhaps it is the reminder to Be Here Now, or the blissful times with Margarita but whatever it is, these days seem to be made up of a continuos flow of moments, that in small and beautiful ways, give my heart an ever growing experience of delight.
This has not always been easy for those around me who have had to deal with my singing more than usual. Yes, the Beatles are being heard around Vlodrop daily. Its usually around meal times, or chai time… but if you listen carefully you will catch a happy voice singing Here, There and Everywhere… I find myself being loving to everyone in a very innocent way, one that most northern Europeans may not be so accustomed to… Luckily they know I am latin… so they dismiss me as such. Yet it is a feeling so sweet, so constant, that I have to admit a part of me is nervous in enjoying it completely for fear that it is just a passing experience… but the days come and go like waves upon the shore and somehow the world is more and more amazing each day. The shore is full of simple, subtle bliss…
I dont have the newest Apple gadget (yet) or a new toy of any kind to give credit to. On the romantic front I am as far away from fulfillment as I have ever been… and financially, well… the austerity of a monk is quite an appropriate description… though I always seem to have enough for Margarita. Nothing on the outside seems to have changed.
So I write this today because I am taking delight in so many little things… I wanted to write about some amazing experience tonight, but all that comes to me are the little things. My mind wants to give some great experience and my heart says, ‘yes tell this and this…’ and my mind thinks its too small… and my heart, singing, responds that the things may seem small, but the feeling inside is huge… the feeling inside is as though it is a big experience… and that is it…
The details are just the happenings of today, the simple smiles, the sweet moments where there is that little joy that comes and your heart dances… each day is like this. Nothing special and yet everything is special.
I was waiting for someone in front of a shoe store today and I saw some shoes that looked like crocs and I thought, ‘I should get me some of those’. They dont look so hip, but everyone I know that has some raves about them… I went inside and it turns out they were not crocs, or at least not the normal ones. But I tried some on anyway… and I was standing there in these very light, ugly shoes and I felt just wonderful… I couldn’t care less how the shoes looked or me in them… It just felt wonderful, and I could not tell if it was the shoes or what…
Based on how I felt, I would have bought ten pairs… I would be writing my blog about the new shoes that I bought. But I felt as though I was drunk with bliss… ‘You cant make decisions when you are drunk’, I thought… ‘even when its with bliss that you are drunk.’
I found a way to logically keep myself from buying the crocs… you know, I dont have the wealth these days to be buying on impulse…
Yet as I sat in the car on the way home, buzzing away in my clouds, I realized that the feeling that I had had in the store was just an expansion of the feeling I had had in the cafe, which was itself an expansion of the feeling at lunch with Margarita… and that itself was just born of that sweet settled joy I was having all morning in the confines of my cave (my room)…
It was there as I went to chai and laughed away with my friends in the afternoon… it was there when I was in the pool just flowing in the night… and it is here now as I share these thoughts with you…
My mind insists that its too small to mention… and my heart just dances and laughs at the mind… knowing that the mind cannot, with the use of all of its words and all of its logic, even begin to express or understand, the way that something so small or nothing at all can make everything in the world so absolutely awesome…
With a dancing heart overflowing with gratitude for all of the little things… I send you love and peace tonight… enjoy…
